All The Things I Didn’t Say | Good Baby Edition

I’m a firm believer that sarcasm heals the soul. Judging from the response I got to my flood post, many of you believe so too! Welcome, fellow dark-humoured Friends! Today I have another list for you of all the things I wish I’d said, but didn’t.

All The Things I Didn’t Say | Flood Edition

All The Things I Didn’t Say | Good Baby Edition

There’s a question that every new parent gets asked. A loaded question. A question with only one answer, whether it’s the truth or not. If you’ve had a kid, brace yourself, because I’m about to give you flash-backs. Are you ready?

Is he/she a good baby?

This question sucks, because the only acceptable answer is yes. Even if your baby never sleeps, even if they’re colicky, even if they have a milk intolerance that causes them to projectile-crap all over you ten times per day. The only answer is yes, because saying no is far too painful.

New parents are sleep-deprived, stressed, and existing off stale protein bars and coffee. Half of those parents are also dealing with wildly fluctuating hormones, leaking, bleeding, cracked nipples, and stitches in places no person wants stitches. It’s hard! And yet, they’re expected to adjust to it perfectly with a smile on their faces. Any other reaction gets them judged, shamed, lectured, or subjected to dangerous parenting advice that’s three decades old. Admitting that you don’t have a “good” baby (whatever the heck that means), means admitting that you are struggling or failing, and the consequences of admitting that feel too great to risk.

Admitting that you don’t have a “good” baby also feels like a betrayal to the beautiful little human that you love with every fiber of your being, (no matter how much they are terrorizing you at the moment.) Telling someone that your baby isn’t “good” feels repulsive and wrong on the deepest level. They’re just acting like a baby, after all. Babies are hard to care for; that makes them normal, not bad! Even on nights when I only got 20 minutes of sleep and was vomited on 6 times, I confidently answered the “good baby” question with an un-hesitating “yes!” I couldn’t imagine giving any other answer.

So, if you’re reading this and do not have a new baby in your home, may I politely request that you stop asking this impossible question? Try replacing it with: “Do you have everything you need?” or “When can I come over and help?” or “What time do you want me to bring food over?”

If you’re reading this and you do have a new baby, or are about to have a new baby, this post is for you! Here are some equally ridiculous answers you can give to the ridiculous question: “Is he/she a good baby?”

Them: “Is she a good baby?”
You: “Yeah, I checked the recall list last night, and her name wasn’t on it, so I think we’re good!”

Them: “Is he a good baby?”
You: wrinkle your nose “I’ve noticed a funny smell lately. Does that mean he’s going bad? Do I need to adjust the settings in the crisper drawer?”

Them: “Is she a good baby?”
You: “Well, her fingerprints didn’t set off any alarms with local law enforcement–still waiting on the FBI database though–fingers crossed!”

Them: “Is he a good baby?”
You: “He cried when I put on [insert your favourite band here]. Should I be worried?”

Them: “Is she a good baby?”
You: “She fell asleep during [insert your favourite movie here]. Should I be worried?”

Them: “Is he a good baby?”
You: “Why?” lower your voice like a spy “What have you heard? That’s supposed to be top-secret information.”

Them: “Is she a good baby?”
You: motion for them to come closer, like you have a secret “I found bank floor-plans under her crib mattress this morning. Is that a bad sign?”

Stay strong, Parents! I’m rooting for you!

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