All The Things I Didn’t Say | Flood Edition

I have never been good at speaking my mind.

I don’t express myself well with spoken words. I freeze up in conversations. I miss my chance to speak. And I never seem to communicate what I mean to when I do finally get some words out of my mouth. This is the reason I turned to writing at a young age.

My recent neurodivergent diagnoses have helped me understand why this happens, but that understanding doesn’t help speed up my processing time, nor does it stop my trauma responses from kicking in and putting me into a freeze at the most inconvenient moments.

So I continue to process my life through writing. I’ve joked to my friends that one day I will have to write a memoir titled: All the Things I Wanted to Say, But Didn’t.

Here’s some of the things I’ve wanted to say recently, that my brain just wouldn’t allow. I wrote them for myself, but I thought that some of you might appreciate the humor in my predicament.

All The Things I Didn’t Say | Flood Edition

Backstory: In November (12 weeks and counting, at the time I’m writing this), we had a flood in our home that wiped out half of our space, including our children’s bedrooms. They had to sleep on a pull-out couch while repairs were made, and had no privacy. Many of our belongings were saved, but they were put into storage and inaccessible for the 12+ weeks as well. We then, as a family of neurodivergents, had to cope with the noise of fans and power tools, the smells of mildew, disinfectant, and paint, the dust in the air, the temperature fluctuations while airing out the place during a Canadian winter, and the stressful social intrusion of strangers in our home.

This was a difficult season for all of us, but especially for our autistic child. He lost his safe space, and nearly all of his theraputic items. He lost his routine and his sense of safety. In short, he lost all of the tools he uses to keep himself regulated and calm. He suffered. And our entire family struggled to help him, while struggling with our own losses and disregulation. To say it has been a stressful three months, is an understatement.

Here are some of the things people said to me during this time…
and all the things I wanted to say to them, but didn’t.

Them:
“Well, that’s kinda lucky when you think about it! You get to pick out new carpets and paint, and have a free little remodel–that’s fun!”

What I Wanted to Say:
“Oh yes. We all know that living in a construction zone, and celebrating Christmas in a construction zone is every woman’s dream come true. I am having SO MUCH FUN.”

Them:
“Wow, uh… I guess that’s just one of those things you’ll have to get through.”

What I Wanted to Say:
“Really? Oh man… up until this moment, I thought this was something I could opt out of.”

Them:
“Don’t worry! My cousin’s neighbor went through this twice, and they got through it just fine.”

What I Wanted to Say:
“How do you know they were fine? Did you walk with them every step of the way to make sure they were fine? Will you be walking with me every step of the way to make sure I’m fine? Is this a service you offer? What are your rates?”

Them:
“You know, people of your generation can’t fully appreciate how easy this can be. I had 8 brothers and sisters, and we all slept in two rooms!”

What I Wanted to Say:
“And how many of your brothers and sisters were disabled?
…Oh, none? I wonder how I guessed that.”

Them:
“Just think of it like camping. It will be an adventure!”

What I Wanted to Say:
“How many profoundly autistic people do you know that love camping? How many autistic individuals have you met that list giving up their space, giving up their routine, and giving up their therapeutic supports, as an ideal holiday?
…Oh you don’t know any other autistics? That tracks.”

Them:
“Don’t worry. These things have a way of working themselves out.”

What I Wanted to Say:
“Really?! And here I’ve been calling our insurance company, consulting the restoration company, picking out new fixtures, cancelling the holiday events I was supposed to host, and turning down shifts at work so I can be home to let contractors in, LIKE AN IDIOT.
You’re telling me I didn’t have to do any of that?! That it would have worked itself out? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?!”

Them:
“You know, things like this really put it all into perspective, don’t they? There are people all over the world who lose their homes to floods, fires, earthquakes… This is a real opportunity to count our blessings and be thankful.”

What I Wanted to Say:
“How fortunate you are to have had such a profound spiritual awakening at absolutely no personal cost to yourself.”

What I DID Say to Several People:
“It’s been hard on the kids losing their space in the wintertime when they can’t be outside as much. Some playdates or opportunities to get out of the house would really help us.”

Them:
“We can do that! We’re all fighting colds right now, but I’ll invite them over as soon as we’re better!”
-They did not

Them:
“Oh yeah, uh, definitely. We’re swamped with the holidays, but definitely after!”
-They definitely did not

Them:
*crickets*

©Ashley Lilley – First time commenting? Please read my Comment Policy.