The Importance of Lying: A Lesson from Despicable Me 4

[Spoiler] This post contains a mild spoiler of the movie Despicable Me 4.

Despicable Me & Lying

Despicable Me 4 opens with a problem: a villain with a grudge escapes from prison, and promises to seek revenge against Gru. This is, of course, a major concern for Gru and Lucy, so they move the whole family to an AVL safe house.

Moving and assuming new identities is a big adjustment that causes many laughs along the way. However, no one struggles with this adjustment more than the youngest daughter, Agnes.

Agnes is a sweetie and a sensitive soul. She is already heartbroken that she has to leave her pet behind, and now she is being told she needs to lie and go by a different name. Gru encourages her not to think of her new name as a lie, but as “high-stakes pretending.” Still, her conscience pricks at her, and she tries avoid lying by getting through the day without telling anyone her name at all, which causes more shenanigans and laughs.

At one point, Gru exclaims in frustration: “Why can’t you be better at lying!?”

It’s funny. Unless you’re an autism parent.

Lying is a Good Thing

Lying is a developmental milestone.

Lying is considered an important sign that the brain is developing properly. Pediatricians, Developmental Psychologists, and Therapists who work with autistic children, all keep their ears open for lies. To them, lying is a good thing. It means that the child’s brain is “growing up” properly.

Many children, before they start lying, do not understand the concept that some people can have information that others do not. They believe that everybody knows everything equally. Some autistic adults who had delayed speech as children, have reported something interesting. They say that one of the reasons they didn’t speak earlier, was because they didn’t realize it was necessary. They thought that their parents could hear their thoughts!

Before lying becomes an unlocked skill, a child may not realize that their thoughts are not common knowledge. They will also have no concept of secrets or surprises, and not have the skills necessary to keep certain information private.

Have you ever had a 2 or 3 year-old tell you their full name, address, and entire life story? Perhaps this happened unexpectedly at a restaurant or the grocery check-out line. You simply smiled and said hello, and suddenly you got way more information than you bargained for. This happens because this function of the brain: the part that allows for privacy, secret-keeping–and yes, lying–hasn’t fully developed yet.

Whether we, as parents, like it or not, lying is a sign that the brain is developing in an age-appropriate, healthy way. No one likes being lied to, but the fact that your child can lie, is very important.

Take a moment to imagine how dangerous it could be for a person who cannot lie at all.

Lie to Survive

Have you ever heard the phrase, lie to survive? It’s taught as a crime-preventing measure and safety skill, particularly to women who find themselves being questioned by a strange man.

The concept is this: if the truth could put you in danger, lie your butt off!

I did a mild version of lie to survive just two days ago. I was in a different city shopping and running errands. I had half an hour before my next appointment, and took a small break at a park to read a book and enjoy some fresh air. I was quickly approached by a man.

“Are you alone too?” “Do you live around here?”

It was just a friendly chat struck up between two people who happened to be at the park at the same time. There was nothing concerning in the body language or tone, and he left me plenty of personal space. I didn’t feel uncomfortable or threatened in any way, but that doesn’t mean I told the truth!

Am I alone? No. No, absolutely not. People know where I am, and my husband is meeting me here any minute now. That was just him texting me.

Yes, it was a lie. Do I feel bad about it? No. Not one little bit.

Autism & Lying

Many autistic individuals struggle with lying. For many, this struggle is because of justice sensitivity, and a strong personal code of ethics that make them very uncomfortable with lying. However, some struggle with the capacity to lie at all. This brain development milestone is often delayed in autistic children, and some autistic individuals never fully develop this skill at all. The consequences of this can be dangerous.

Imagine you have an autistic child who cannot lie. It’s not a moral value. They don’t have the capacity.

“What’s your name?”
“Where do you live?”
“You’re a big boy! Do your parents ever let you stay home alone?”

You get the idea.

Now imagine, because of that same area of the brain not being developed, your child doesn’t see anything wrong with this conversation at all. They don’t understand that some information is private, so someone asking these questions doesn’t set off any alarm bells. They don’t hesitate to answer, and they don’t think to tell you that this conversation ever occurred.

Terrifying, right?

You might think that your child never lying to you is a good thing… until you have a child that can’t.

For the Supporters

This is just one of hundreds of things that keep autism parents up at night. One of hundreds of things they are watching for every time they step out in public. Just one of the never-ending checklist of safety concerns running in their minds at all times.

I know many of my readers are autism-adjacent. You’re the grandparent, auntie, uncle, or best friend. So many of you have sent me beautiful messages telling me that you read my blog to help you understand and support a loved one. Thank you for being you.

If I could leave you with an actionable today, it would be this:

• Please hold space for your loved ones to express their worries and fears. Worries and fears don’t mean that they don’t love or appreciate their child just the way they are. It simply means that they are worried and afraid! Often, with very good reason. They have worries and fears that parents of neurotypical children do not.
  
• Please cast a protective eye over their child. They say it takes a village… that is never more true than when a child is disabled. When you let an autism/disability parent know that you are “on it” while you are out with them, it allows them to take a tiny breath and relax a tiny degree. For some, it’s the closest thing they ever get to a break from the running checklist of concerns in their head. Being a safe person is truly the greatest gift.

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