I Don’t Want to Label Them

In the past couple months, I have had nearly the exact same conversation five different times with five unrelated people. This makes me think that what we’re talking about is relevant and important. It makes me think that there are others out there who need to hear this too.

I also know that not everyone reading this will be ready to hear what I have to say. But here I go, jumping in the deep end as I always do. See you at the bottom of the cliff, Friends!

Today I want to respond to a type of comment that I hear all the time:
“I don’t want to label them.”
“I’d talk to the doctor, but then they’d just slap a label on them.”
“Labels are so hurtful. I would never do that to my child” *eyeballs me and my two labeled children*

Some people have a serious, vehement hate for labels.
Others have genuine concerns about seeking a diagnosis “label” for themselves of their child, because they are afraid that a label may be hurtful, hindering, or disqualifying.

Here are some points I bring up when a person is on the fence about getting a diagnosis “label”. Perhaps they will help you see labels in a whole new way.

1. You Already Have a Label

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A post shared by The Adhd Elites (@adhdelite)

If you are against labels because you don’t want anyone else to think of you/your child in a certain limited way, I have some news for you: people are already labeling you and your child whether you want them to or not.

It’s human nature. We categorize people, instinctually and almost immediately, when we meet them. We are forever trying to sort people into figurative boxes of safe/not safe, good for my reputation/bad for my reputation, could benefit me/has no use for me, pleasant to be around/unpleasant to be around, etc… etc… Just because you are unaware of what labels people have put on you, doesn’t mean that they aren’t there.

So, if labels are inescapable, don’t you want to have a little bit of control over what label is used on you?

Let’s say, for example, that you have ADHD. The executive functioning challenges that accompany ADHD can cause a person to get labeled a lot of things:
Lazy
Forgetful
Flakey
Untrustworthy
…to name just a few. These labels others put on you in their own minds get reinforced over an over again without all of the relevant information.

• Your friend may think that you forgetting about a coffee date is an indication that you don’t value their friendship, so they eventually distance themselves from you.

• Your lab partner may think that you forgetting a key prop for a group presentation means that you aren’t a serious student, so they (and everyone else) tries to avoid being your partner from then on.

Or, you could get a label of ADHD, learn about your strengths and weaknesses, and collaborate with people to help you both get a desired outcome:

• You could reassure your friends that you do care for them very much, but dates don’t stay in your mind very easily. Perhaps you could ask them to send you a reminder text an hour before your coffee dates, because they are important to you and you don’t want to miss them.

• You could explain to your lab partner that forgetfulness is a symptom of your ADHD, which means you are not the best person to be put in charge of props. You are, however, great at telling jokes, being spontaneous, and connecting with people, so perhaps you could swap presentation duties so you can play to your strengths?

I don’t know about you, but I personally would take the label of ADHD, over a label of lazy or uncaring or any other explanation someone could come up with about me.

2. No One is “Slapping On” Official Labels

Literally no one. Trust me, doctors do not give out labels like free samples. The diagnostic process, especially for a neurodiversity such as autism or ADHD is a long process involving waiting lists, screenings, more waiting lists, more screenings, referrals, appointments, follow-ups, and usually no shortage of frustrations.

If a teacher, school administrator, daycare provider, coach, or trusted friend suggests the possibility that your child could have autism, ADHD, or a learning difficulty, they did not just give your child a label. They gave you important information and an invitation to investigate further. The people who have the courage to voice these observations and concerns to you, without knowing how you’ll react to them, are doing it because they care very much about your child. They see a kid who is struggling and deserving of help and support. They see a kid who is worth the hard work of pursuing a precious label that could really help them.

Maybe it’s time to start thinking of labels as a gift and an opportunity. And maybe it’s time to stop accusing the people who are trying to give you/your child this gift of having bad intentions.

Just sayin’.

3. A Label Can Set You Free

Remember all the labels people can put on you when they don’t have all the facts about why you behave the way you do? Those labels don’t always come from the outside. They come from the inside too.

Most people with a hidden disability, such as a learning disability, have seriously negative self-talk. When you don’t know important information about yourself, you can’t cut yourself a break, give yourself grace, or give yourself any credit for how hard you try.

If you are autistic and undiagnosed, for example, it is very easy for your self-talk to sound like this:

• “Why am I so stupid?”
• “This is no big deal for anyone else. What’s my problem?”
• “I’m broken, and no one will ever love me.”

When you are armed with crucial knowledge about yourself, your whole self-perception can change for the better.

• “I’m not stupid. I process things differently. I’m catching up quickly now that I’m being taught the way my brain learns.”
• “Some things are a bigger deal for me because of my processing issues. Thankfully, I know my triggers now, and have plans in place to make experiences more comfortable. I can enjoy so many things now that I couldn’t before!”
• “I have a unique mind, unique perspective, and a unique personality. I’ve found a whole community of people who love this about me.”

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A post shared by Geraldine Kostrewa (@cherry.adhd)

Meme text above: “Why do I need a label?” Because there is comfort in knowing you are a normal zebra, not a strange horse. Because you can’t find community with other zebras if you don’t know you belong. And because it is impossible for a zebra to be happy or healthy spending its life feeling like a failed horse.

4. A Label Can Provide Care Instructions

A label can be empowering. A label gives you the words/terminology to learn more about yourself, learn what your unique needs are, and learn how to care for yourself.

A label on a person, like many people on social media have pointed out, is not much different than a label on a plant at the garden center. Garden center labels tell you how much water, sunlight, and fertilizer are too much, or not enough. A simple plant label can increase your chances of growing a thriving, healthy plant astronomically.

When you know your own care instructions, be it for autism, dyslexia, sensory processing disorder, or others, you can put yourself in the right environments to grow, thrive, and succeed. When you know what kind of “plant” you are, you can give yourself extra rest, or extra stimulation, or a smaller breakdown of tasks, or a sensory-friendly workspace, and so much more.

If a shade-only plant gets left in a pot on a sizzling-hot sidewalk in July for days and days, it’s not going to do well. This isn’t a problem with the plant. It’s a problem with the plant’s environment.

When you read your unique care-instruction label, you can make your environment better for yourself, and will most likely see yourself bloom better than ever before.

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A post shared by Katy Higgins Lee, MFT (@tendingpaths)

5. You Can’t Get Help Without a Label

I’ll be very honest here. Systems suck. No help is perfect. And sometimes the exact help you need is hard to find. I won’t sugarcoat that truth. However, whatever supports do exist in your area can only be accessed with a label.

A label can give you access to physical therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy, feeding therapy, and more.

A label can make you eligible for a grant, allowance, or tax break, to help with medical expenses, or underemployment caused by disability.

A label can allow you to access accommodations in school (including university and occupational training), such as:

• Access to the professor’s lecture notes
• Permission to record lectures to listen to multiple times, or to listen to at a slower speed
• Permission to take exams in a separate, quieter space
• More time to complete exams
• An option to take oral exams instead of written exams

A label can allow you to access accommodations at work, such as:

• Having written instructions instead of verbal instructions
• Having a copy of expected tasks, broken down into smaller steps
• Being allowed more breaks
• Being allowed to work from home

A label can help you find a community to support you. Whether that be local resources, or an online support group, knowing your label allows you to find others like yourself who can answer your questions, commiserate with the challenges, provide emotional support, give advice, discuss therapy options, discuss medication side-effects, and share life hacks.

Oh, and remember those teachers who suggested your child might need a label? Their hands are often tied without one. They may really want to help your child, and they are probably doing the best they can, but the fact is, the school board won’t allocate funds for additional TA’s or supports without a documented need. An official label helps teachers and principals get resources for their students.

So those are my thoughts on labels. If you haven’t guessed already, I am pro-label. I really believe that the benefits of having an official medical diagnosis outweighs any of the stigma a label may bring. I hope this post has given you some food for thought as you decide whether pursuing a label is right for you and/or your child.

You may now proceed to screaming at me in the comments. 😉

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