The Mental Load of Special Needs Parenting

There has been a lot of talk in recent years about “The Mental Load.” That is, the parts of a job that don’t get recognized, but are usually more work and stress than the actual job itself. I wanted to introduce this idea to anyone who hasn’t heard of it before, because I know–with 100% certainty–that someone you love is carrying a heavy mental burden right now.

I think the best way to explain mental load is with an example. Take cooking for a family, for instance. Actually cooking the meal is one of the smallest and easiest steps of the whole production.

First, you must decide what to make. This step involves several considerations, including:
* Who will be home that night?
*Are there sports or other activities that will necessitate a quicker meal?
*Does this meal accommodate everyone’s food allergies and intolerances?
*Does this meal accommodate at least a few of the family’s preferences?

Then, you must decide when and how you will make it.
*How long does this meal take to cook? Is that enough time before the evening activity?
*Could it be made in the Instapot to save time? How do I convert that recipe?
*Could it be made in the Crock Pot instead? Will I have time to assemble it and set it to cook before work?
*Could I prep the night before? What activities do I have the night before?

Then, you need to make sure you have what you need.
*Check the recipe and make the grocery list.
*Go grocery shopping, or
*Submit an online grocery order, figure out a time that works to pick it up, and make sure it gets picked up during your pickup time window.
*Bring the groceries home and put them away.

Don’t forget prep!
*Marinate anything that needs to be marinated.
*Make dough far enough ahead to let it rise.

And then, finally, finally, cook the dang meal.

But wait–there’s more–don’t forget packing up the leftovers, washing the dishes, and cleaning the counter and stovetop!

Now, times this effort by 3 meals per day, times seven days per week, times the rest of your life, if you are the primary cook in your family. Can you see how even simple tasks that are normal and routine can be draining? This is mental load.

Parenting comes with a ton of mental load:
*Did I remember to pack her favourite stuffy?
*Those pants look a little short. What size is he going into?
*What happened to that permission slip?
*Who can I ask to take them to soccer if this meeting runs late?
*Is it our week to provide the snack?
*When is the deadline for summer camp applications?
*Crap! I forgot about to pick up the temporary dye for “crazy hair day.”
And so on.

Special needs parenting comes with all the same mental load as regular parenting, plus a whole lot more:
*How much medication is left? Do I have time to refill it today?
*Don’t forget to order the replacement part for the therapy device.
*Can we fit all this therapy equipment in one bag? Will the airline charge an extra fee for it?
*The only babysitter we have trained to operate the therapy equipment is going out of town. Do I have time to train someone else? Who should I get? Who can I trust?
*The waiting list is how long? Should I try to find a new provider, or wait it out?
*Don’t forget that video call with the pediatrician to discuss the strange medication side effects.
*When is the deadline for that grant?
*The application is HOW LONG?
*Don’t forget to get a doctor’s note. Another agency wants a doctor’s note.
*Don’t forget, Speech Therapy tomorrow at 3.
*Don’t forget, Occupational Therapy on Tuesday at 4.
*Don’t forget, Feeding Therapy on Wednesday at 3:45.
*Don’t forget, Physiotherapy on Thursday at 6.
*Is she looking pale? Should I be worried?
*His mood is off today. Do I need to cancel that appointment?
*How many sick days do I have left?
*Am I going to get fired if I take another afternoon off for that appointment? I know we’ve been waiting six months, and if I don’t go, it could be another six months before I get another chance… on the other hand, I won’t be able to pay for the appointment if I lose my job… I wonder if someone will cover for me. The boss might not mind so much if I find my own coverage…

Today’s post is meant to just be a gentle reminder…
Every parent you know is tired.
Every special needs parent you know is exhausted.
Please be kind to us.
Please don’t expect too much from us. We are already at, and far beyond, our mental limits.
And, if it is ever in your power to take even a tiny thing off our plate, please do it.
Your kindness is appreciated and remembered more than you will ever know.

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