Reasons to Live | Suicide Prevention Month

Today’s post comes with a Content Warning: Suicidal Thoughts

Please be aware that I am not a doctor or therapist. My post today comes from lived experience. Please consult a professional for medical advice.

I’d also like to make clear that I am currently safe and in a good place. If you are not in a good place with your mental health, please tell someone. I love you, and I’m glad you’re still here.

Suicide Hotline USA: 988 | USA Website: 988lifeline.org
Suicide Hotline Canada: 988 | Canadian Website: 988.ca

Reasons to Live

Today I want to share two thoughts on the topic of suicide. These two thoughts might seem like they’re opposed. I’ll admit, they sound like exact opposites. That is because they are intended for two very different audiences. One does not cancel the other. They are equally true, but not equally relevant to all people.

Today, please pay extra attention to the truth you need to hear.

If You Are Suicidal

Dear Friend, if you are suicidal today, I have something to share that I hope you’ll hear.

There are no bad reasons to stay alive.

I have spent more weeks, months, and years than I care to number wading through the dark tar of suicidal ideation. I know, Friend. I know. The only reason I am here, is because I kept finding reasons to stay. But let me tell you, some of them sound pretty dumb.

I have stayed because I had a new dress in my closet, and wanted to wear it at least once.

I have stayed because I had preordered a book, and no one else in my home would read or enjoy it when it came, so I decided to wait for it.

I have stayed for a hundred different reasons that made sense to me at the time. Some of them don’t even make sense to me now. And you know what? That is ok.

It’s ok, because they kept me alive. They kept me here. They saw me to the other side. They saw me to today.

And today is so damn good.

Dear Friend, if you are contemplating suicide, please know that there are no bad reasons to stay alive.

If the only reason you’re staying is because you’re worried no one will feed your fish, use that.

If the only reason you’re staying is because your favorite show just got renewed for another season, and you want to watch it, use that.

Use whatever you have. And, if possible, double-up and triple-up on as many tiny little reasons as you can. No reason is a dumb reason if it sees you through to tomorrow.

Repeat after me: There are no bad reasons to stay alive.

If Someone You Know is Suicidal

Dear Friend, if you have a loved one who is suicidal, I have something important to tell you. It might offend you at first, but I hope you’ll stick with me and hear me out.

Stop giving people shitty reasons to live.

I know you have good intentions. The best of intentions. I know you love your friend or family member with all your heart. I know you are desperate to help, and desperate to convince them to stay… So please, please, please be careful.

So many of the reasons that friends and family give to suicidal people to convince them to stay are incredibly dangerous. Many of them have the exact opposite effect. Your words could be driving someone closer to suicide, not further away from it.

Here are some shitty things not to say to someone who is suicidal.

“But you have it so good.”

What you think is good, and what they think is good, are not the same. You must understand that mental illness paints your whole life grey. Your loved one is not seeing in any color right now, especially not rose-tinted color. Everything looks bad right now, even if you think it’s not.

Please don’t make someone feel bad by pointing out how good they have it. When you say this, all they hear is that they are a bad person. They are such a bad person that they can’t even see good when it’s right in front of their face. A bad person like that shouldn’t be around polluting the world. A person like that should leave the world and stop hurting all the good people.

“But you have it so good” could be driving your loved one closer to suicide.

“But your friends/family need you.”

The person you love is already so burdened by their life that they want to quit living. Why are you making that burden heavier? If a person is running a race with a giant bag of rocks on their back, and collapses from exhaustion just before the finish line, would running out and tying an extra bag on their back help them win?

When someone is suicidal, you need to help them by subtracting from their burden, not adding to it. If you can, take chores, responsibilities, and external pressures off. If they have children or others who depend on them, take over the caregiving responsibilities so they only have to take care of themselves. Believe me when I tell you: the pressure of taking care of others when you have nothing left to give is unlike anything in this world. It is deadly.

“But your friends/family need you” is a horribly selfish thing to say. It only makes the burden of living heavier. Stop saying it.

“Think of what it will do to your children/spouse/family.”

They are. That’s why they want to end their own life.

You need to understand something about mental illness. It’s like pollution. It spreads and contaminates everything in a person’s life. Many people who suffer with suicidal ideation truly truly believe that they are damaged and dangerous. They believe that they are a burden. They believe that they are hurting everyone they love. They believe that ending their own lives, and taking themselves away from the people they love, is the kindest and best thing they can do for them. They see ending their own lives, and protecting others from themselves, as the most loving thing they could do.

“Think of your children/spouse/family” could have the opposite effect you want it to. Most suicidal people are thinking of their loved ones. Mental illness has tricked them into believing that their loved ones are better off without them. This phrase may be the final encouragement they need to “do the right thing” for the people they love.

“But suicide is a sin/If you do, you’ll go to hell.”

They are already in hell.

Really. I’m not sure how I can make this more clear. They are already in hell. In fact, the hell that you are trying to scare them with–the lake of fire and all that–sounds like a f*cking beach vacation compared to the torture their soul is already enduring. You say, “you’ll go to hell,” we say, “don’t tempt us with a good time.”

If you don’t know this level of suffering, it’s best if you don’t try to act like you do. Being suicidal is already a horribly isolating thing. When you speak out of this much ignorance, you only isolate the person you love further by causing them to believe that no one could ever understand.

Dear Friends and Family: stop giving people shitty reasons to live.

A suicidal person deserves to feel, and to be told, that they can stay alive for themselves. Not because they are needed. Not because their passing will negatively affect others. For themselves. They need to know that their life is valuable because they are valuable; full stop.

Instead of giving someone a list of reasons that would motivate you, listen to the reasons that are motivating them. If that reason is as simple as a seasonal flavor of ice cream coming soon, then so be it! Lean into that. Join them in looking forward to it!

The best reasons to stay alive, are the reasons your loved one choses for themselves. These don’t have to be big or important-sounding reasons to you. They don’t even have to make sense to you. What matters, is that they are uniquely motivating for the unique soul that’s in front of you.

Even the most qualified mental health professionals have limited success with changing a suicidal person’s entire outlook, so please don’t be too offended when I say that, as a mere family member/friend, you don’t have a hope of succeeding in this area.

So don’t try to change their outlook! Don’t focus your energy on the impossible task of changing someone’s mind. Spend your energy on connecting, on showing up every single day, and on making every single day something to look forward to.

Going over to watch two episodes of your friend’s favourite show each week will be a much more effective suicide preventative than any intellectual or emotional appeal ever will be. Why? Because it shows them that the things they care about aren’t stupid. Because it shows them that they are worth your time. Because it shows them that they are not alone. Because it shows them that they would be missed.

Dear Friends and Family: if you really want to prevent suicide, stop telling people all the reasons to live, and start being one of the reasons they want to stay.

©Ashley Lilley – First time commenting? Please read my Comment Policy.